Tuesday, 14 September 2010

Guilt

    There's plenty to feel guilty about, in this game. If you spend a large proportion of your life living some kind of lie, even if it takes you a long time to understand the true nature of the lie you are bound to have executed some deception along the way. And if you're built like I am, guilt inevitably follows deception if the deceived are people you care about.
     Guilt about the effect you have on those around you, guilt for things you did years ago. Guilt about stupid things you did in front of friends, guilt about that recurring daydream where upon having a referral to the GIC you just go for it. Guilt for feeling guilty about all of the above and more.
    My mother tells me feeling guilty like this is a female response. I think that's a genuine reaction, she's not saying that to try to make me feel better. She's a retired teacher and she has that annoying habit teachers have of making every conversation a lesson.
     I don't spend my days looking for evidence of female traits or mannerisms in myself, but if I did this wouldn't be one I'd choose for myself.
    My wife tells me to stop feeling guilty, forget the past or the future and live for each day. Good advice, but I don't find it that easy. Does anyone?

4 comments:

  1. Not me, that is for sure. Most everything I do, all day long, somehow ends up reminding me that I live a lie.

    Living for the moment sounds good, but for many of us, it is just a dream.

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  2. I struggle to live for the day (always looking for what can go wrong...) but I do try to live as much as possible. Goes great until, like this weekend, something triggers a response that comes back to bite you...

    And yes, guilt is a frequent companion...

    Stace

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  3. Sorry it's been so long Jenny, but I had to comment today. This post is spot on. Guilt, agonising over past decisions, worrying about things I cannot change-integral to me too I'm afraid. I sometimes find myself saying "Doh!" out loud about actions I took many years ago. But recognising it as guilt does at least lessen the impact.

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  4. Thanks all!

    Maybe my mother's right then, girl brain, girl guilt. Why couldn't I have had girl looks instead...

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