Thursday, 17 November 2011

Rug pulled

    A couple of weeks ago my wife dropped something of a bombshell.. She said straight out, that she thought I should move forward and transition because in our current situation neither of us are very happy.

    Ouch. Unsurprisingly that pulled the rug from under my feet.

    We've been attending counseling together for the last couple of months, with Relate. It's been a little tough at times, but our counselor is very good and it has been of benefit to us. When people think of Relate, they think of marriage break-up counseling, of couples arguing hammer and tongs over who gets which end of the family dog, that kind of thing. For us that has not been the case, our counselor has remarked that to her our relationship is very strong. Instead we're using the service as an opportunity to explore our issues as a couple surrounding my gender, and it has been of great help. A little uncomfortable, that's all.

    Did I say a little uncomfortable? I should have said a lot.

    My whole approach to all this has been based around building walls. My family would never accept it (Though bizarrely at the time I was also mistakenly convinced they already knew), I'm too large, my feet are too big, I'd never pass as female, the list went on. This might be familiar to other trans people.
    Each wall I built has been slowly eroded. My family all know now, and have been surprised, but accepting. There are natal women my size and shape. Shoes are difficult in a 15 but not insurmountable. I see something of my sister in the mirror when presenting female.

    I wouldn't make a very good builder, would I.

    And now the most insurmountable wall has crumbled too. The line-in-the-sand. My wife has turned round and said that I shouldn't do this for her.
    In a way I'm glad that this has come out through and been explored in counselling rather than between us as it inevitably would have. The space provided by Relate is there for exactly this purpose, a neutral space. Face it calmly and rationally. As the saying has it, like a man. Funny, that.
    You might think I would be going forward with a song in my heart at this news. After all I have a GIC appointment in a few weeks and all I need do is turn up with a deed poll on my hand and set the ball rolling. But no. What we have is too important to jeopardise and I can not do that. Anything that happens has to be in both of our best interests, unequivocally. She might not leave me were I to transition, but what matters is not whether we stay together but whether she's happy.
    I recognise that I'm on a downward slope and it one day may go horribly wrong. I guess the events of the last week or two might have brought that into sharper focus. But I ain't done yet, and I'm not giving up. A bizarre image floats into my head at that, of Maggie delivering her "The Lady's not for turning" speech.
    So in a couple of weeks I'll wander up to town, walk across the park again and sit down in front of a psychiatrist bloke again in an office overlooking a busy London street. He'll see a scruffy bloke, not an oversized girl. Something has changed since my last GIC visit though, I now know what I want to ask for from him. I've seen counsellors locally, but never gender specialists. I will ask for whatever specialist gender counselling they can offer me.
    I'm done with trying to figure this out for myself, I need a bit of help to get to the bottom of what ails me.

13 comments:

  1. It has exposed your nakedness somewhat hasn't it Jenny? I can understand your trepidation, your caution and the reasons for not jumping in feet first. Whatever the outcome it has got to be with mutual consideration and I say that because you both have a very strong love for each other. Had it been otherwise, well the outcome would be totally down to you and of course if you were in the same frame of mind regarding your aspirations. I hope your appointment reveals more for you.

    Shirley Anne xxx

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  2. Sending love. It sounds like things are a little confusing right now. You have my e-mail if you'd ever like to talk.

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  4. Ahh, Jenny. It really is not all that complicated. It is ONE simple question that you must answer. Are you MALE or FEMALE. If you are male, and enjoy cross-gender dress or behavior, then you simply need to find a way to engage and enjoy this behavior and/or mode of dress, in such a manner that will not negatively affect your life or your relationship,

    If you are female, then you must either take those extremely difficult steps involved with bringing your body into conformity with WHO you ARE....OR....do nothing and continue to suffer the ravages of a psycho-sexual disconnect.

    The GOOD news, IMHO, the really good news is that you are not TYPE V or TYPE VI transsexual. You do not absolutely NEED a "sex change" to save your life. You have other VIABLE options

    Anything else is just so much gooblygook/gender babble and beating around the bush. IE...denial and reality avoidance.

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  5. Oh my, that was unexpected. Certainly does change the topography of the issue. If you need an ear, you know where to write.

    Leslie

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  6. In my opinion this isn't a simple answer about whether you are male or female. Those medical terms about types are rubbish as well

    I just hope that the gender counsellor can give you the clarity of thought so that you can move forward to a happier place. That happier place doesn't necessarily mean transition either. The are many potential stops on the way. 

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  7. Becca...I find it somewhat presumptious and typically sophmoric to prefer today's TG version of psuedo-psycho/social gender babble to established medical REALITY, just because it enables your contrived idea of a "gender-continuum".

    If I knew what you meant by "transition", I might agree with you. SRS is NOT for everyone, and for most it is a MAJOR mistake.

    Based on what little I have been able to glean from Jenny's blog, she is well within the 1st standard diviation of the statistical bell curve IE...in the 66%, that comprimises the middle/majority of the TG population.

    Folks in Jenny's situation are not (again in my opinion) good candidates for SRS. THere are huge obstacles ADDED to an already nearly impossible task.

    Even non-surgical "transition" is fraught with danger and difficulty.

    Surely there must be an easier way.

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  8. Morning everybody, and thanks for your ears. Must keep plodding on...

    Don't worry, I'll leave the diagnosis bit to the experts at the GIC. I'm lucky in that respect, though it has its faults Charing Cross is a world-renowned centre of excellence in this field and they most certainly don't hand out access to treatment without very stringent checks and balances. Becca knows about this first-hand, she has had to go private for her non-standard path, which though different from mine has its roots in the same issue of trying to accommodate her wife.

    As I've said before, you gotta live the dream to understand.

    Speaking for myself I care little for which of Harry Benjamin's boxes I fall into or even which medical treatments I end up with. Right now I care most about Mrs. J because unlike so many wives of trans people she's stood by me.

    I really wish I was able to be happy with just a bit of cross-dressing. I know enough people who are, and I tried for a very long time to be one of them. I've fought this in a variety of different ways all my life, for as long as I can remember. But sadly a brain from the girl parts bin doesn't go away.

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  9. You are quite right, Jenny. Which of Benjamin's boxes or catagories/"types", matters little, until it comes to treatment which is what you seek. But doo you really believe that you can be "cured" by therapy? Is that what you seek, a "cure"?

    So...What is that dream, Jenny?

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  10. No, counseling wouldn't cure me. If only! But it will I think give me a clearer picture of what my next step is.

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  11. "I'll leave the diagnosis bit to the experts at the GIC."

    "But sadly a brain from the girl parts bin doesn't go away."

    So which is it Jenny? If your
    brain "is from the girl parts bin" then it seems you have already self-diagnosed.

    In truth all a therapist can do is help you explore your available options, but are you not already aware of what will work for you?

    Again....what IS the dream?

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  12. Counselling can help you see far more clearly Jenny, it helped so much for me. When you spend your life trying to please other people and suppress how you feel for years there's an awful lot of delving down to find what's really going on. What you see in a mirror is just the outside. Only you can make the decisions but having anyone mirror what you can't see back to yourself can be life changing. Good luck, I hope it helps for you :)

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  13. Thanks. I'm in the queue for the GIC counselors now so we'll see what the result is.

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