Tuesday, 26 June 2012

Paved with good intentions

   By coincidence, both Coline and Nikki were in my part of the world at the weekend. We spent a day wandering round town seeing the sights, stopping along the way at my local café for lunch.
    Coline took a picture of me, scruffy bloke sitting opposite her. When she showed me the camera screen it was a shock, looking back at me was an unflattering portrait. I looked tired and haggard, and sported huge dark circles under my eyes.
    It's not surprising, really. I'm sleeping, but it's as if the benefit of that sleep is not being found. Stress is leaving me finding difficulty in my everyday functioning, and I'm suffering as a result.

    My wife has in effect called time. This is exacting a toll on her, and she pointed out that she's more likely to be unable to stay in the long term if things remain as they are than if I move forward. Everything I've worked for over the last few years, and it hasn't really worked.

    On Friday my counsellor explored the same thing with me. As a truck reversed into the busy traffic of Fulham Palace Road outside, she laid out my damned-if-you-do, damned-if-you-don't choice. Stay as you are and lose, transition and probably still lose.
    Then she asked me if I'd consider a third way. Hormone therapy without full-time transition. Probably the first time in all this I've heard anyone there take my wife's mental state into account. My answer, faced with such a bleak future, was yes - but to then point out that such a path is outside the Standards of Care followed by that clinic. And then there would be all the effects of the hormones. Growing a bust doesn't worry me, but how would I manage to present as a bloke with a set of B-cups? It would be tempting, but I can't see that path as anything but a delayed route into transition.

    So here I am, in a bit of a state, still the day-to-day scruffy bloke but having reached the crunch time. I tried, but in doing so I've not succeeded in keeping my wife happy. I am exceedingly lucky that she's the kind of person who can talk about this. But then again if she wasn't I guess she'd have packed her bags years ago. At least I'll never be able to say I didn't try hard enough.

   What now? More of the same. See the counsellor again, talk about it. Talk everything over with my wife. I am not going to put her in a position in which she is uncomfortable with me, I can't compromise on that front. But she's not comfortable now, so I've already messed up on that one, haven't I.

    One thing's for certain, I feel a lot closer to the edge tonight than I did two weeks ago, and I can't say I like it.

7 comments:

  1. I wish there were some easier answers but then we would have all found them years ago.

    Maybe a move forward might be the answer, whether you view it as delaying things or not. Its given me at least 4 years and kept me relatively sane. I live with B cups and whether anyone notices I am not sure. I still get called mate far more often than madam.

    I may lose this fight in the end as well but HRT has made life significantly more bearable. As for the SoC - if only life was that simple.

    Thinking of you

    Becca

    Becca

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  2. I am sorry that you are feeling poorly. I am not really sure how to help except to offer some fundamental questions.

    Like for example 'what do YOU want to do?' Perhaps an even more fundamental question would be, 'What MUST you do?'

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  3. this comes not of malice but of a desire for the best possible outcome for all and is just a thought given with hope of possible perspective.

    It's none of my business, but I wonder if your wife is of an age where she might still have a good chance at finding new love? if so, might it not be a good thing for all involved (and certainly in her interests) not to lead her on, but to be honest about what you intend to do, and giver her the chance to start again in her own life, rather than wait for a man who wont be there and so find herself at a point where she no longer feels love and companionship is possible for her (in the way she herself needs it)?

    It would take a selfless person to do that, and put her before themselves, and be prepared to face the judgement of others and the potential anger from her and repercussions of taking the blame.

    Just a thought. I hope you find resolution

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  4. Oh Jenny my heart goes out to you. What a dilemma! Reality's questions probably come near to the answer but don't take into account your wife. What would you do if you were not married? I think this is the route you then should take and trust that things will work out for you both. Do nothing and your situation will not improve.

    Shirley Anne xxx

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  5. Oh how I feel for you and know only too well from recent personal experience how difficult the choices are. Although I did not think so at the time my wife did me a huge favour when she told me she could not live with a woman in place of the man she married, and she has not even seen me as Louise.

    Nobody can advise you what to do, only you can decide. However, my advice,for what little it is worth, is to think about who you really are, remain true to that person, and if having accepted that you can still find a place for your wife in your life, and she can find a place for you in hers, then you have a great future - just look at Caroline and Julie to see that for some it can work.

    I do so hope that you find a way forward that works for you both. If you want to know anything further about my recent story that might help then e-mail me.

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  6. Morning all,
    Thanks for your comments, I've been a bit out of it these last couple of days so I'll come back and answer them properly over the weekend.

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  7. "It,(HRT), would be tempting, but I can't see that path as anything but a delayed route into transition." ~Jenny

    Don't be so sure. Research has shown a significant drop in stress levels as one of the notable results. "B" cups might very well be wishful thinking. Ask any late term "T" who is not more than moderately obese. Besides, is having to wear loose clothing such a high price to pay?

    Surely your "stress" is not an attempt to "prove" how much you need to 'transition' while at the same time using your 'manly' commitments as an excuse, and/or a way to hide your fear.

    The truth is, you are dealing with extremely scarey, real life here. There is no getting around that. Either way, you will have to "man up" and deal with it as best you can. Avoidance and denial will only keep the wolf at bay for so long.

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