Pink fog. It's a worry that persists as you navigate the shifting sands of gender ambiguity, that you might be caught in it. Wanting to spend more time as girl, wanting more, is it real or is it the pink fog talking?
We have all no doubt heard cautionary tales of those whose pink fog took them a little further than it should have, so the idea it might happen to me has been of some concern. Time to test myself for pink fog with several days as normal girl, doing normal girl stuff as far as possible and sticking to the kind of wardrobe choices any woman my age might make doing the same things. If the novelty fades and it isn't fun any more, then that's the pink fog talking.
So, a few days after coming back to being a scruffy bloke again I have a moment to reflect on the experience. I spent about three days in the real world as female. I'm used to driving, shopping, eating out and a host of other normal things as female, but until now they have all been individual events snatched as evenings out or similar, or else in the company of others. I've always had either my companions or the scruffy bloke to fall back on, so part of my aim was to leave those props completely behind and face the world in its entirety as female. I am much indebted in this endeavour to Dru for my couple of days in Bristol and Nikki for my day in Wiltshire.
It would be tempting to write a diary piece, but the minutiae of such outings soon becomes irksome. Suffice to say I entered a whole lot of new territories and came through unscathed.The rite of passage afforded by a first solo trip to a shopping mall for instance seems something of a cliché, but it is no less daunting a challenge for that.
Highlights of it all were my parents seeing me as girl for the first time because I changed at their house (My mother said I looked very nice, probably being diplomatic), being shown the graffiti artwork of Stokes Croft by Dru and an early morning trip out on Bristol Downs without makeup to hide behind.
Driving home I was struck by not having been troubled by gender issues during the time. It worried me for a moment, then I realised that this had simply been me feeling unencumbered by them. In the real world. Pink fog not an issue. Real.
I'm not used to that. Definitely entering new territory here.
Jenny, it sounds you like had several lovely days. I'm glad you enjoyed yourself.
ReplyDeleteI'd be interested to know more about your experience with your parents.
Scary how comfortable being yourself can be after a lifetime trapped in an understudy role...
ReplyDeleteDru and Nikki are pretty special, aren't they?
ReplyDeleteI'm glad this worked out for you. I've seen those in the pink fog and you, Jenny, are not even in the haze.
Calie xxx
I guess there are mixed emotions following these three days. I hope that whatever comes in the future you can find a happier and more contented 'space' in which to live.
ReplyDeleteBecca
Well it looks like your radar was in full working order leaving you to get on with enjoying yourself Jenny. If you have any doubts about your excursions into 'yourself' best thing to do is to do it again!
ReplyDeleteShirley Anne xxx
Absolutely, you will find this Jenny time again; it will be like an itch that can't be calmed. I am so glad to hear that you had a few days that went so well for you. You have been encouraged by your parents and from those people who only saw Jenny when you were out and about. I think the 'fog' is adapting.
ReplyDeleteJenny,
ReplyDeleteBravo to your for your bravery and the successful outcome. I am glad to read this after having a few rough P.F. of my own. Imagination and stealing moments alone is nothing like the real worldliness of "being." : )
If I may ask, was there one favorite aspect or moment of "doing the normal" things that stood out for you?
Thanks,
Karin
(across the Pond)
"an itch that can't be calmed", is an apt description of addiction. Much like NEEDING a drink or a nicotene cigarette.
ReplyDeleteThere IS a fine line there. If the "need" can be controlled the consequences CAN be less severe than "giving in" to the "need" or addiction.
This is the area that MUST be explored. One faced with such "choices" must seriously consider the possible outcomes of the variuos "choices".
Being a T-woman IS a potentially viable alternative, albeit accompanied by various unique circustances. If those work, then why fix it?
Admittedly early in life trannsition allows for an easier time, (less personal 'baggage'). Nevertheless, "later in life", CAN be done, although the chances for complete assimilation are greatly diminished.
Morning all, sorry it's been a while. A lot going on hereabouts.
ReplyDeleteWith a bit of time having elapsed, I can't say there was any one special thing about it all. Except for the normality of it all, to which I've already alluded.
In a way though this takes me closer to the flame it also relieves a lot of stresses as to whether if I reached the point of no return I could do it.