It's something of a limbo, the period immediately before going full-time. A lot of doubt alternating with desperate need to move forward. One minute I'm making a big mistake, ruining everything et cetera, et cetera, the next I'm ready to go. I have seen many others run headlong into this without any such concerns. The pink fog is strong in some people, but such as it was it left me a very long time ago.
Such doubts are inevitable. Healthy even. But far more stress than I need at the moment.
Last night I left the scruffy bloke behind and went out with my wife. She's not entirely at ease walking with me as the oversized girl, for which I don't blame her. However as the evening progressed and I attracted no adverse attention I sensed she relaxed. We go out together surprisingly rarely as our different jobs restrict our time together, so fortunately she has plenty of time during which she will not have any such worries.
I was pleased, looking at myself in the mirror. A very narcissistic thing to say, but also a moment of necessary appraisal. My hair has settled nicely into an unambiguously female cut which frames my face well and helps lose its male shape, and I was dressed as any other 40-something woman might be. In short, I was not someone who would attract attention other than through my height, which I can't do anything about.
I spent decades thinking I would never be able to look like that.
At work, another meeting with HR. All the policies, steps and hoops to jump through. Very positive, nothing unexpected or unpleasant. Then the point later in the day when I fill in a stat. dec. form with my new name, and there it is in black and white. All the doubts return, and I don't take it to the solicitor's office.
In an odd juxtaposition, I've been shopping. On one hand a few female clothing essentials, on the other a box of parts for the Wreck. This weekend I'll be getting my eyebrows done before going to my parents place and tackling a rusted-in stud. I won't be doing anything to my nails until after that's finished, you can be sure of that.
In a few months time, this'll be ancient history. I'll have settled into the regime of my life as a woman, and I'll know the answer to all my worries about my wife. I'm sure it'll have been easier than I expect, but meanwhile I wish my current angst would go away.
You've already decided on the path you must take but there is still some lingering doubts as to how you will cope I think. Be patient with yourself and think positively, refuse to let worries or concerns trouble you. The journey is made up of little steps so take each one in turn and in your own time. Soon you will have that many things occupying your days you won't have time to dwell on any negative thoughts!
ReplyDeleteShirley Anne x
I think it's a healthy worry, it shows that you are going into this with your eyes open.
ReplyDeleteStace
The limbo of being between playing two parts is both hard and an absurd position for anyone to be in. Between the perceived safety of playing a role you know but hate and living a role you long for but have little real data on yet...
ReplyDeleteSoon you will be posting about how comfortable you feel in the new role, how stupid you feel for having put it off for so long and ow unexciting and comfortably normal it all feels. I look forward to that post and hope Mrs J feels as comfortable with that change as you do yourself.
Jenny, you have perhaps unwittingly highlighted a pivot point for all who travel this road, even those of us who stutter and stammer along.
ReplyDeleteAs you assessed yourself in that mirror as any woman would do, and pronounce yourself fit, you briefly encountered Narcissus then very correctly, you put him behind you.
I too send best wishes for your changing relationship with Mrs. J.
Good luck Jenny
ReplyDeleteLike all the others I do hope all goes well, and that the changes in your relationship are positive ones, of course it is only healthy to have doubts and worries before embarking on such an uncharted journey, Of course many have been before but it is different for everyone. Good Luck in everything!
ReplyDeleteThanks again all.
ReplyDeleteThe biggest wobble came when I did my stat. dec. I guess that means I'm no longer the scruffy bloke, at least in name. Seeing it in black and white, scary.