Wednesday, 31 August 2011

Leaking here and there

   They say some people become like their animals, and I certainly know enough middle-aged British women who resemble their horses to give some credibility to that.
    I by comparison have started to resemble my car. Just as I have picked up a miserable cold and am leaking into a constant stream of tissues, so the Wreck has done something unfortunate to its internals and has started leaking oily soot from its exhaust pipe on startup. That coupled with an alarming consumption of oil tells me that a piston ring may have given up the fight against age, allowing oil to find its way into an upper cylinder.
    All I have to do is wait and the cold will go away. Sadly the Wreck will need considerably more attention, I may try to nurse it over to C's house for a diagnostic session, and then some intensive and fiddly rebuilding effort may be called for. Remind me again why I have this machine? Oh yes, it's fun to work on. Damn. Serious car nut, me.
    It's difficult to feel like anything but a very scruffy bloke when you are under the weather with a nasty cold. Particularly as there is an interaction between my sleep and cold medications that means I can either sleep, breathe easily, or do both and risk liver damage. I chose breathing easily last night, tonight I think I need to sleep.
    Current woes are masking a more long-term and annoying realisation, that I am not winning here. I am not happy in my daily life and have not been so for months, and it is that unhappiness rather than the fact of my being trans that my wife finds upsetting, it preys on her and makes her unhappy too.
    As always, no surrender.
    I was disappointed yesterday to read in a blog comment the suggestion that we who resist transition perhaps don't actually need to change sex. I guess you gotta love the girl you married enough to live the dream, to understand.

8 comments:

  1. Hung back and half heartedly played a part for decades until it became unbearable...

    I thought i was doing the right thing to save my partner embarrassment at work only to find that in the end it made no difference and I wasted an eternity in depression!

    Seem to remember once helping with new piston rings and big end bearings out in the driveway. you will probably enjoy fixing it, isn't that half the pleasure?

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  2. Dear Jenny,

    Sorry to hear about the maladies afflicting both you and your ride.

    Hope the repairs can be made without too much trouble or expense.

    Still trying to thin my fleet the Jag is gone but the Eldorado's sale is hampered by a malfunctioning transmission.

    I know the inner turmoil is tough, I wish you quick recovery and a clear mind to deal with GID.

    Hugs,

    April

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  3. What with the car business, you risk being labelled a Classic transsexual. Careful, now.

    (have I made that joke before? If so, sorry)

    There does seem to be a lot of energy expended on the Tranternet in drawing lines in sand and crowing from dunghills. Life is elsewhere, as you know. Bon courage, etc. :-)

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  4. I was disappointed yesterday to read in a blog comment the suggestion that we who resist transition perhaps don't actually need to change sex. I guess you gotta love the girl you married enough to live the dream, to understand.

    Alas, empty vessels make the most sound. Yes, you get a few people take that line in some holier-than-thou way, but I think the silent majority understand more that everyone is different, and one persons response to the ravages of GD is different to anothers - and neither is write nor wrong.

    I personally fought transition tooth and nail for the woman I love and I life together. I did, and still do, resent the intrusion of GD in my life. But, you deal with it, you cope in your way.

    Don't let anyone rattle you.

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  5. It must be a struggle having three loves in your life and finding the right balance in time sharing with them. You obviously love all three else they wouldn't be part of your life. The wreck needs the love and attention before it gives up on you altogether - maybe change all the rings as a precaution. Your wife needs loving too so you must spend more time doing things together. That leaves the time you must spend with yourself, granted not a lot just now it seems but you need to indulge.

    Shirley Anne xxx

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  6. Don't let people comments get you down, resisting the urge to transition has got to be so hard, and you are very brave to try it.

    Feeling the dysphoria everyday, and knowing what you could do to make it go away, and yet still not choosing to because of how much you love your partner is incredible, and I really don't know how you manage it.

    Take care,
    Tash

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  7. Hang in there Jenny dear. Those who put their partners welfare before their own,like you, deserve all the support going. It takes real courage to follow your path.

    Love Jae

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  8. Morning everyone, and thanks for your support.

    I'm pleased to say that the cold has begun to wane, though sadly I'm still bunged up.

    The Wreck will probably look forlorn for a few weeks, but I have to get down to it. 9 years as a project, no going back.

    Who knew being a Classic Transsexual was so easy! And now the choices are legion, maybe next I could go for a vintage. Hang on, there's only one choice really, and you can be sure once I've got one I will take it to Santa Pod Raceway :)

    I understand I may not succeed in my endeavour. But I've managed it for years so far and I have not yet run out of options. I never want to wonder why I didn't try hard enough.

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