Saturday, 23 October 2010

How long have I got?

    You won't have seen much of me in the last few days, I'm afraid I've not been having the easiest time of late. It is the gender dysphoric's lot, to sometimes have a dip, to feel that somehow you've slipped that little way further down the slope towards the cliff edge. I've not been particularly happy and it's rubbed off on my wife who in turn has found it difficult to remain upbeat herself.
    The worst thing about this week has been the terrible thought: what if I don't manage it? How long have I got, how long can I hang on? Feeling guilty for just thinking it, I couldn't easily talk to my wife about it which just made things worse because I couldn't say what the problem was.
    I saw a forum thread recently, "Glad or sad to be trans?" Amazingly a lot of the respondents voted yes. I voted "Hate it", I wouldn't wish this on anyone. Except perhaps the editor of the Daily Express.
    At least I'm sleeping. Thank you medication!


  1. It is very hard to hear people suggest that this thing is some sort of take it or leave it situation. Why would anyone be happy to be forced out of one's own body? Insane, just as we feel insane once a month when it hits hardest. Hang on; you know you have friends who live on the cliffedge with you. It is too bad not to be able to talk to our lovers about it, agreed.



  2. You can "exist" on that cliff edge for decades, I have proved it. It is beyond miserable at times and sometimes just a dull numb ache.

    Some people would also wish it on the editor of the Daily Mail too, the sort of newspaper you would might use in the toilet for wiping!

    Regret we did not manage down as hoped for this weekend, always available.

    Caroline xxx

  3. Sorry I've been quiet for ages, wrestling small demons here. Can't do much more than say "I think I know how it is, and it will probably get better somehow or other". Here's some pome stuff you may and may not find helpful

    Does the road wind up-hill all the way?
    Yes, to the very end.
    Will the day’s journey take the whole long day?
    From morn to night, my friend.

    But is there for the night a resting-place?
    A roof for when the slow dark hours begin.
    May not the darkness hide it from my face?
    You cannot miss that inn.

    Shall I meet other wayfarers at night?
    Those who have gone before.
    Then must I knock, or call when just in sight?
    They will not keep you standing at that door.

    Shall I find comfort, travel-sore and weak?
    Of labour you shall find the sum.
    Will there be beds for me and all who seek?
    Yea, beds for all who come.

  4. I also felt sad to be trans and wrote a blog about that subject come time ago.
    When you have people you love and dont want to lose them it does give you a very sad feeling. You are not sure if you can handle loosing them although you know its a big risk.
    I cant help other than say keep being honest with your self and your wife.
    If you want to meet anytime just let me know.

  5. Hi Jenny,

    Thinking of you, hang in there girl.
    Go work on your rusty wreck, I find that my car hobby was the only thing that silenced the girl.



  6. I like the poem Dru.
    Jenny, it's the same old story, shall I or shan't I tell? Bottling things up is never a good idea but neither is watching your world fall down around your feet because of something you have said. Being transgendered, especially transsexual is not a desire, simply a matter of fact. Nobody in their right mind would wish to be that way but unfortunately that is what has happened to some of us. The problem doesn't really rest with us but in the attitude of everybody else. If there were no stigma attached to being trans. there wouldn't be a problem. However this doesn't help those who suffer. Many ask the advice of those who have trodden the path before regarding letting it all out to loved ones but the only possible advice is no advice at all. Only you know your loved ones enough to be able to make that decision. Of course the approach is of paramount importance. In my own experience I had to let it be known that 'something was bothering me' and 'I am afraid to tell'. Eventually my ex. (then wife) forced it out. It was then I came clean. It is hard for loved ones because it isn't only your life you are changing but theirs too. All their hopes and dreams are shattered. It can work out though and does for many of us. It did for me. I wish I could just wave a magic wand for you. I hope you find the courage to face the future and what it might hold.

    Shirley Anne xxx

  7. Sorry to hear that you've been struggling of late.

    You have my mail address and phone number if you need to talk. Not sure what I can say but the shoulder is here for you.


  8. Good morning everyone, and thank you for your kind thoughts. I did talk to Mrs. J about it, I guess I was stupid not to in the first place. I should know all about bottling things up being detrimental to one's wellbeing in all this, but I guess not.

    We indulged ourselves in a day of retail therapy yesterday which I think did us both a lot of good.

    I must remember: one day at a time. Who can know where my path will take me in the future but ne thing I can say is I won't ever look back and say to myself "You never tried!".

    As always in such things I think that poll had a hefty element of people validating their position with cheerfulness. After a day's reflection I feel happy for them that they can see a positive side of it.

    I guess the Mail and Express are interchangeable in my wish for the bestowing of gender variance :)

    That is a very apt poem for this moment Dru, as is so often the case you have sent me to Google with the purpose of Improving my Mind. My teenage years were spent learning useful things such as how a TV worked, perhaps I should have improved my mind back then too.

    I may well find myself tinkering with the Rusty Old Wreck before the day is over. It is a release, to have something uncomplicated and mechanical to immerse yourself in.

    I think I've got something right in all this with respect to Mrs. J in that I've not held things from her. She's obviously had the shock of coming to terms with all this but it was over the years as I did too rather than all in one go. Strangely the attitudes of others haven't bothered me much at all, I suspect that's through having always been something of a physical outsider.

    Lisa and Stace, thank you. You have both already been very supportive, I hope I can return the favour should either of you need it.

    Blimey, that was a long and rambling reply, wasn't it.

  9. So happy things went obviously did make the right decision
    Shirley Anne xxx

  10. Nothing wrong with long and rambling replies ... therapeutic writing, expression, etc - and I loved that poem that Dru gave.

    I feel for you - hugs from me, too.

  11. Thanks Josie, yes writing as therapy is a big part of dealing with this for me.

  12. Jenny, I get so pissed at myself when I read a post like this so late. A lot goes on behind the scenes with me that I don't blog about and often I have reasons for reading these posts late.

    You CAN hang in there, if you wish and only if you wish.

    You're still young and you don't have kids. Two good reasons to consider the alternative.

    On the other hand, you have a loving wife, who married a man. Only you two know if she could continue to sustain a marital relationship should you transition.

    But, should you hang in there, you will continue to have bad times. For me, this past week has been among the worst. Fortunately, I have learned how to read my body and how to make corrections to alleviate or shorten the periods of depression.

    Calie xxx

  13. You know my situation as you do yours. So you'll understand when I say there can be no other choice, however tempting it might sometimes appear.

    It's also worth those of us in our position reminding ourselves that the alternative choice is no picnic. A friend of a friend whose transition is a slow-moving car crash became homeless a couple of weeks ago. Fortunately she's not sleeping rough, but she's in a bit of a state.