The Wreck and I are each experiencing problems. The solution for the car is simple: replace the geriatric thermostat and hope no lasting damage has been caused by the engine being cooked. For me, sadly, it ain't so easy.
The problem is, depression hasn't gone away. I'm depressed, and my depression has dragged my wife down too. Medication has helped even off the troughs, but hasn't fixed anything. My wife put it bluntly, that if this was to be our natural state then we would both be better off I were to give in to the girl and just go for it.
I can't do that. Everything I'm hanging in there for is at stake. But to hear her put it that way is uncomfortable: I could do it and let's face it if I had no ties I probably would be well on my way by now.
In simple terms, she's right. I'm just not prepared to give in. Like I said, it ain't so easy.
On Saturday I'll be making my way to Manchester to spend a day at Sparkle. I'm not sure what I'll get from the experience but it's one of those things to try. My sister lives up there, so I'll be meeting her for the day. The first time any family member will see me as anything but the scruffy bloke. Part of me is looking forward to it, the rest of me is scared witless.
Life doesn't get any easier, does it.
I am so sorry for you Jenny. I can tell how much your wife loves you by what she is suggesting but you on the other hand love her so much you don't want to do it! I cannot advise on what you should do of course but only say what I would do in the same situation. I am lost for words really. It is a difficult thing to work out but you must come to some amicable arrangement with your wife. Your medications may help with your depression but as you say it won't make it go away. The answer in my humble opinion lies in the decisions you make together on what you both will do for the future. If I had a magic wand I'd wave it for you but sadly I haven't. I do hope you can sort out the problem before too long though Jenny, life must be such a pain in the proverbial just now. Love
ReplyDeleteShirley Anne xxx
I can't help you to make up you mind about what to do; i can't even make up my mind, though it looks like my wife will make it for me. However I could sort your thermosat problem as I was offered a T- H- at the weekend; someone bought it for the numberplate and just wants to offload it, for free I think. Problem is it is up here. If you want me to ask more just say!
ReplyDeleteJenny, it is a marvel to me that some can do the back and forth and not overheat. Personally, my male façade would have crashed and burned up by now. I understand that the 'expert advice' is to dress. IMHO all that does is separate those who can take it or leave it from those who must. It sounds like you are one who must, and if your goal is to hang onto the scruffy bloke for your wife's sake it seems to me dressing is the last thing you want to be doing.
ReplyDeleteBut again, I am no expert. Life is definitely not getting easier for you. :(
I am sorry to read this Jenny. I was hoping that the meds might help and give you both some peace.
ReplyDeleteI do appreciate where Halle is coming from - but we are deal with our blessing in different ways. I also understand with your wifes comments - there are similar sentiments here.
I hope you enjoy Sparkle and your sister is supportive
Becca
Hi Jenny,
ReplyDeleteSounds like you are having a tough time. Don't worry, you are not the odd one out. Perhaps admitting that life is not a bed of roses is the important start to finding a way to cope, long term.
For me, I can honestly say that my wife is what keeps me going. Yes, she and my daughter (especially my daughter) drive me nuts sometimes but then I think it's often mutual. But life without them would be empty.
Sometimes I think it's really hard to stop and see that you might already be at a sweet spot. The buzz of dressing up doesn't necessarily translate into lifelong nirvana if done all the time.
And you don't need to be scruffy all the time in bloke mode either. There's plenty you can do day-to-day to soften the clothes without giving in and looking like the bloke who changes your car tyres.
Hope this works out for you.
Penny
I can see how all that self-sacrifice in the name of not screwing up your relationship would feel like a real burden when the sadness it creates starts screwing up your relationship anyway. That said, I wonder if its worth exploring options for couples/individual counselling, since depression is something that needs to be taken seriously in any relationship (and it's not necessarily true that transition would 'cure' your depression anyway).
ReplyDeleteHave fun at Sparkle, and I hope things go well with your sister.
Good luck with your sister.
ReplyDeleteAs for the depression, I know what you mean and remember that I am only a phone call away if you need an extra ear to bend.
Stace
Evening all, and thanks for all your comments.
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, let me reassure you I ain't givin' up yet. On so many levels that is not the best course of action for me at the moment. I have no idea whether or at what point that moment will arrive, but I know that it has not arrived yet.
With respect to dressing as a safety valve, it is true that I find I can be in a bit of a trough after an outing presenting as female. But I don't become her when I put on female clothes any more than I become him when I assume a scruffier outfit. I'm the same person and TBH I can be pretty depressed wearing either set of clothing.
Both my wife and I have sought counseling. We have yet to seek counseling together, however this is something we may look into in due course.
I have no worries about my sister's reaction to me, she knows all about Jenny and is very relaxed about it all.
Sorry to hear you've been going through a rough time, sounds like you have some great support around you. Have a good time at Sparkly xx
ReplyDeleteLucie xx
I hope you have a good time at Sparkle; something cheerful-making sounds like what you need. Good luck with the weather.... *listens to rain hammering on roof*
ReplyDelete