Thursday, 29 March 2012

That's the trouble with partners of transvestites...

    "That's the trouble with partners of transvestites, they can be such a problem".
    I looked at the speaker, slightly shocked. Dawn, our host, widened her eyes in disbelief. I wasn't that bothered at being called a transvestite even though we were talking about my progress through the GIC. That was par for the course from this particular source. But calling my wife 'a problem'? She was extremely lucky that my wife wasn't there to hear it
    I should have expected it. Not many years ago the speaker was a bloke in his mid fifties. Older then me, with wife and grown-up kids. Since then she's transitioned and reinvented herself with a rather preposterous back-story ignoring a hilarious number of inconvenient truths. Now she's married again, to an inoffensive transvestite who she's banned from dressing. The hypocrisy meter is on overload.
    Quite simply she's the most deluded trans person I've ever met, and that's from a pretty strong field.
    Hers is probably the most blatant example I've encountered, but I've noticed a consistency among a significant section of our community in forgetting where they came from.It's simple and self-evident: if you are an MtF trans woman then you too once had a life as a bloke, and probably a depressed one at that. No shame there, after all, you've escaped him, well done!
    The reaction of such people to those among our community who still have something of the depressed bloke about them is very telling. People who are secure in their own skin do not react in such a way. I'm thinking in particular of another acquaintance, a rather pretty early-40s transwoman with a slight, feminine build who is paranoid about those around her outing her to the extent that she outs herself by drawing too much attention her way.
    It's funny, I have another acquaintance who is a full-time TV I would judge to have something similar to the sexuality of a gay man - tried hormones, but I suspect gave them up when her bits stopped working. My two acquaintances above are a lot more at ease with her than they are with me, it's possible that people like me remind them too much of where they came from.
    How people behave is up to them. But I have evolved a very short fuse on these matters. It's easy to damage a trans person pre-transition, we're a vulnerable bunch. I'm happy to be friendly and supportive to anyone I meet in this community, but if I'm likely to be damaged by their actions then I'll drop them like a hot potato and make it very clear why I have done so. My store of second chances is exhausted.


  1. It is so difficult not to be seen as "one of them" as if "they" were definable. It's more than stereotyping, possibly because the diversity of transness is so great the sample size of any subgroup is too small for people in general to describe and distinguish. We each have a very singular and personal journey, and it is vital that we are not influenced by any strong personality. Role models are not helpful, we have to be ourselves, and we have singular pasts too that remain in memory for ever. Spouses and partners also live with that memory and often great grief - or leave it as too great to bear. We all need to be brutally honest if we are to find and express authenticity.

  2. Partners a problem? How very a one-sided and selfish thing to say. Partners are people with feelings too and they have to cope with, most often, the discovery that their partner has issues with gender identity of one sort or another. Everyone who is transgendered in one way or another is different as are their partners, should they have one. It would be impossible and insulting to describe everyone in the same way as if they were all the same. They are not. Andie pointed out that our journey, our problems and our situations are personal to us and it is we, as individuals, who must work things out for ourselves. Advice from others is sought or given but the ultimate decisions remain our own. This is also true for those who are partners and relationships are made stronger or fail depending on the persons involved. There are so many different kinds of 'us' and 'them' aren't there?

    Shirley Anne xxx

  3. I'm curious, why was this person speaking in the first place? And, their subject matter should have been approved by the host before giving the opportunity to speak. Some due diligence would have been required in this situation because it's just like you said, "We are a vulnerable bunch". The "hypocrisy" of this person reflects the incompacity to truly understand the feelings of others.

    Tell "him" off girlfriend!!

  4. Sounds like you got a local variant of the "transsexual separatist".

    What an idiot.

  5. Considering that she's now the partner of a transvestite, I guess she's admitting to being a problem.

    Some people need to think more before opening their mouth.

  6. Brilliant...absolutely, positively BRILLIANT!!!

  7. Just to play devil's advocate here for a moment, I'm wondering if she was letting a personal situation turn into a generalized comment i.e.

    "My husband's cisgendered former partner was such a problem for him, and thus he is lucky he now has me instead."

    Although from what you say, he may not be that lucky - and I'm just assuming he had a problematic former partner. And I'm certainly not saying that if this was the root of what came out of her mouth, it's excusable in any way, shape of form. I'm just theorizing about her motivations...

  8. Naaa, Just a "trannier than thou" type.

  9. Making the journey into femininity, whilst retaining the love and support of a wife, has been anything but straightforward for both of us. True, it would probably have been easier for me without a wife, but to label her as "such a problem" is insulting.

    The worst 'advice' we were ever given was by a trans woman who clearly thought her experience to be true for every married transsexual. "Give up now and get divorced," she told my wife. "It'll never work!" That one comment, given by someone who thought they were being helpful, put us back six months. The memory of it still hurts.


  10. Off topic here Jenny
    Because there isn't a comment box on your photo blog I'd just like to say how lovely are those new pictures you've taken recently. It would be wiser to incorporate a comment box there though. love

    Shirley Anne xxx

  11. Morning all, and my apologies for taking so long to reply. I've rather buried myself in other things for a few days because I've been a bit up-and-down.

    I didn't expect Calie to put it up on T-C either, this is now the most visited post on this blog.

    The woman in question is someone I'll make few excuses for. She's been around for a while, and her thoughtless comments have pushed more than one person back into the closet.

    She's one of those people who has to tell you within 30s of meeting that she's post-op. As I've said elsewhere, I will henceforth view such things as propositions, after all what other reason would a woman have to tell someone presenting as male that she possesses a vagina?

    Sorry, I could go on... :)

    Shirley Anne, there should be a comment link on the page for each photo, at the bottom next to the "share" buttons.

  12. Ah yes, I think we know the same person and it sounds like something she'd say.
    More generally there is a sad need to prove ones trannyness or now non-trannyness by belittling some other trans especially those very sensitive to such comments.

  13. She does have rather a distinctive style, doesn't she :)

    I was more annoyed than sensitive. That's not to say my shell hasn't been cracked before, but not this time. But when such things can really hurt a fragile person it matters, doesn't it.