Tuesday was a good day, I guess. A trip to London with my mate C. To the GIC among other destinations. First GIC trip as the girl, dressed for the cold in a black wooly jumper and jeans. I'm indebted to C for the company, not to mention a lift in a nicer car than mine, and his finally meeting the girl was a milestone in itself.
Not an easy appointment, though the visit itself went very smoothly. Being told by my wife I should move forward has been difficult.
So, time for the chat. I can't honestly see myself still as the scruffy bloke this time next year but I can't say it's a path I relish. A failure of sorts, if you will. So I set a timetable. I still have a few bloke things to put away and I need to really be sure my wife is ready for the reality of my transitioning. I'll be back to the GIC in the summer, meanwhile I'm in a sort of ghastly limbo.
The whole experience has left me drained, lethargic. Work hasn't come easily and I've found myself letting personal things slide. I have one or two tasks in hand that are important, and somehow I'm just not making much progress at them.
It's all part of the journey, one step along the path. Better this that move too fast and get something wrong.
Transitioning is a huge relief and no matter what the other consequences are it is so worthwhile; but then I am sure that you have been told that a hundred times. Only now do I know that once you have started the process it is only a matter of when, not if.
ReplyDeleteWell done on the milestone passed with C! The first time I had (have) to see someone as Stacy for the first time (if they knew me before) is always a little nerve racking.
ReplyDeleteAs for the transitioning. It is not a failure. Please do not let those feelings inside, it'll burn you up from the inside if you do! You don't have to celebrate it, I didn't either, but please don't beat yourself up over it. And that doesn't mean that you have to not give a damn about the people it affects either.
Stace
Be prepared for a battle between you and yourself as you question what you are doing, that in my opinion is vital; on the one hand, it will be ' am I doing the right thing and do I really have GD'? On the hand it will be complete relief that you are doing something about it. For me, the questioning went on nearly to the point of surgery! There were times during transition when I did question the need for all the shenanigans but, I reminded myself that I was very happy having just one person in my head and, if I did de-transition, I knew the whole merry go round would kick off again!
ReplyDeleteSelf sacrifice or percieved self protection? i guess definitions don't matter when the sadness of maintaining the facade impacts so much of your life that it affects others as well.
ReplyDeleteNo celebration - but i hope no self flagellation either.
On any journey original "plans" have to be modified along the way to suit the conditions, you always have to be prepared for detours, holdups and occasional disagreements with co drivers. Stop and look at the new views sometimes, you have been stuck in the garage too long...
ReplyDeleteI think it is more of a personal struggle with acceptance of who you are which makes it difficult to do something about it rather than the doing anything itself. Once you know you need to take action then you must follow up on it or go insane. Setting yourself a goal and aiming for it is the only way. Louise mentioned that it is so worthwhile to transition once you know you should. You have to stop wrestling with your thoughts Jenny and do what you know in your heart you have to do. Transitioning isn't that hard actually, it's the decision to do it which makes it hard. I hope your appointment helps you further to make the decision that is right for you.
ReplyDeleteShirley Anne x
Jenny,
ReplyDeletesome greats comments here and you seem to be doing things the right way. Don't get hung up on all those guy things you need to do before going full time. I remember being in a huge rush to fix cars, clear out collections of old parts I would never need etc etc.
NOT a failure just a case of finally finding the right road.
All of these comments are so true and helpful, your path can only be defined by you. Once you have broken through the final membrane and can live with honesty and integrity you must look for the sunshine and setting suns.
ReplyDeleteMy wife realize that my attitude and happiness was dramatically different and uplifting when I let the 'bloke' in me fade into the shadows.
Evening all, and thanks for your comments. You're all right of course. This is I guess a necessary step. I just wish it were an easier one.
ReplyDeleteI dunno. You cetainly do not sound very convinced.
Delete"This is I guess a necessary step...."
You GUESS?!?
I did think of something but it sounded awfully trite, so i'll save it for another day, anyway good luck in what is an unenviable decision.
ReplyDelete