Tuesday, 15 February 2011

Confusion in clarity

    This afternoon, sometime after three o'clock, I was sitting at my desk feeling pretty good about the world. I'd just had a meeting with a couple of female colleagues at which we'd explored some really interesting stuff in the context of our work over some really nice coffee, and I had one of my more fun work projects back from my boss for a few tweaks. I was sitting there and I thought "Y'know what? You're not troubled at all by gender dysphoria right now!". And it's true, I wasn't, I had clarity of thought, momentarily I was in complete command of the task in front of me. And it all felt so silly for a moment, that I could lose control of myself to that extent.
    If only I could hang on to the moment. I could have used that at five o'clock this morning when I was lying there awake having been dragged awake from a girl dream that got a little too upsetting, and trying not to wake my wife. I could use it now as well, sitting on the sofa with the laptop, alone in the flat while she's off at her gym class.
    This is going to sound rather crazy, but I rather dread those rare moments of clarity like this afternoon's one. Because they sow momentary doubt, and doubt is dangerous. GD is a royal pain in the arse, but at least I know what it is. I certainly wouldn't have chosen my girl's brain had I been given the choice, but a moment considering what might be were I to not be so reveals something far worse, for then the only explanation would be insanity. At my most depressive a few years ago that's a destination I've been uncomfortably close to. At least the thought I have a normal brain, albeit one from the Other Side, is reassuring in that context.
    On a completely separate note, I scored a couple of very small victories for the greater understanding of transgender issues in the last week. One of my employer's products featured something slightly misleading relating to us, and with the aid of my two colleagues to whom I'm out I was able to ensure that it was corrected. Pretty minor, but because the product reaches far and wide it's something I'd like to hope will help someone indirectly in the future.

4 comments:

  1. Hi Jenny. I think I understand what you are saying. It is not unusual for a dysphoric person to dwell on their condition during each day. Normally this behaviour doen't interfere too much with everyday activity or work because those tasks require attentiveness. I would think it quite impossible not to dwell on one's condition at least some of the time. This causes momentary lapses in concentration which for the most part isn't a problem. If one cannot concentrate on things other than the dysphoria when one has to, then it becomes a problem. In your case, yes you have a normal brain and no, you are not going crazy. You arrived where you are by using that female brain!
    Congratulations on the other small victory whatever it was.

    Shirley Anne xxx

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  2. Shirley Anne pretty much said it all.

    And that small victory? I'm thinking that I sorta know what you are alluding to.

    Calie xxx

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  3. Thanks both. I've had a bit of a wild week of ups and downs with sleep, so it's quite possible what had set em off was the start of it all.

    Yeah, it's true, I'm sane, me. :)

    Calie, yes it's what you're thinking about. Plus something else in the same vein.

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  4. Err. Yes, I think Shirley said it very well.

    Congrats on your small victory ;-).

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