Sitting on the wall by the school playing field on my walk home from work, there they were. A group of teenagers. Nothing special, nothing nasty, just kids. Probably not too different from me an age ago, just sitting on a wall and enjoying a spring evening.
I could see them from some distance. And as I walked towards them I could feel a rising terror. What if they noticed me, what if they said something?
Get a grip.
My everyday persona is not as the very tall girl I'd like it to be but of her giant-sized scruffy male alter ego. In short, someone capable of giving a teenager far more to worry about than the worry a teenager is capable of giving him. It's a side-effect of being oversized that I don't really like but it's a sad truth, if you're going to be a bloke, be a very big one.
So being scared of a fairly harmless group of teenagers is pretty damn stupid. I think it's a symptom of how far the girl has triumphed over the boy in my head, that as I sit all day in an office letting the girl have free reign between my ears I find it difficult to remember that I don't need to succumb to her worries. It's been an annoying few weeks.
So I'll say it again.
Get a grip, Jenny.
You remind me how crazy this all is; that we trade in one set of conditions that are driving us crazy for another (admittedly even more absurd) set that feels better in so many ways, but drives us and others crazy with worry.
ReplyDeleteSooner or later, we will settled down and stop this worrying. I suppose it is possible that will happen around the same time as my autopsy.
:-D
Halle
Halle voices what I often feel - brought home to me this week. When you find out where to grip you could let me know !!
ReplyDeleteThe thing about teenagers is that in groups, the can be pretty mean, because their minds are still so immature, and the think they can impress their friends by acting like a smart ass. I know just how you feel Jenny. The girl inside is a lot more vulnerable than the scruffy male exterior would suggest.
ReplyDeleteMelissa XX
being larger than average is a pain but at the same time is probably the only reason I survived through my youth.
ReplyDeleteCaroline xxx
Melissa hit on something there. Kids tend to be a lot more of a problem when in a group, alone they pose no problem. I always felt intimidated by groups of children and would go out of my way to avoid crossing their path, My attitude was one of 'why invite trouble'? Most probably it was all in my head. I would be frightened of being clocked with the subsequent taunting. These days i am more confident but I still avoid groups of children if there is an alternative. Naturally none of this was a problem before I began transition. These are the sorts of issues that make transitioning difficult and not the process of transitioning itself I feel.
ReplyDeleteOne good thing about your experience Jenny is the confirmation of a feminine brain!
Shirley Anne xxx
Guess what?
ReplyDeleteYou are not alone!
I get bad feelings every time I see even one teenager, or one man, or two teenagers, or two men and one woman, or any group of people sitting nonchalantly just soaking up the day.
I always have. I guess it is something that is a part of me that will not go away no matter how much self confidence I try to make myself believe that is there.
In reality. I'm a scare baby! People scare me. That is the main reason why I do not go to bars. Add in alcohol and there is no telling what they may do.
My congratulations to you though. At least you have enough self confindence to realize that they are just being themselves. No matter how frightful they may appear.
I think it's prudent too be aware of others, especially groups of people that could cause trouble.
ReplyDeleteTeen girls can be ruthless but I mostly am concerned with groups of teen boys and of course groups of men.
I recently realized I really shouldn't be out alone in remote areas like I would often do so in male mode. I am aware of my environment for sake of safety.
There was a local woman who was raped in her car after shopping with her child at Ralph's. No where is off limits where a woman can be attacked.
We are not men and not perceived as men - we are women and the vulnerabilities of women apply to us as well.
Having been studying Aikido (a martial art) for several years, I feel it gives me some confidence I can defend myself and I encourage others, especially anyone transitioning to take either self defense or study a martial art.
So I'm not alone then. Reassuring. I just can't help feeling a little silly.
ReplyDeleteThe crazy thing is when I am out as girl I just seize the role and go for it.