Tuesday, 9 February 2010

Lost in the fog

My poor doctor. He just can't get rid of me.

Sleeping pills are great. They stop you waking up at one in the morning. If you take two of them you wake up at about seven but spend the rest of the morning spaced out like Dylan the rabbit. If you take only one of them you're not spaced out but you are awarded an extra couple of hours in the day as your wake-up time shifts to five o'clock. If you forget to take any pills, you go back to waking at one in the morning.

After a couple of weeks of this sleep-but-not-sleep the complete exhaustion has gone but with it has gone my brain. This is not good, people pay me money so I can use my brain for them. I need to lose the pills, the insomnia and the gender fog that's rushed into the vacuum where my brain used to be. Then I can return to the exciting job of making data dance for people rather than confusedly sitting here making it twitch uncontrollably before the people who pay for my brain notice anything.

So I've booked another gap in my unfortunate doctor's busy life towards the end of the week. Having had a Long Chat in abstract terms with a motorcyclist friend who's also a hospital consultant about How To Approach Things With Your Doctor(though I think she may have guessed my problem but was far too nice to pry) , I am going to have another go at asking him for help that doesn't involve a path to transition. Back when I was talking to the same practice about depression I had counsellors and therapists being waved at me from all directions, albeit with waiting lists attached, so this time I think they can do better.


  1. Good luck Jenny - I would hope that at the very least they could offer some counselling in which you could discuss your feelings without the pressure to actually *do* anything about them. Talking online is wonderful but face to face with a trained listener might be even better x

  2. As Julia said you should be able to speak to someone without it involving any pressure to do something.

    I am guessing that they work to the same standards of car in the UK as in NL and it basically says that they are there to help you live with the condition as best as you can. If they can help you without transition they will.

    Hope you get some non chemical induced sleep soon.


  3. Thanks both!

    I am guessing that it's simply that my GP has never quite encountered someone with my take on all this. He did mention that he was going to have a word with a colleague with more experience in this direction so who knows - I could come back to a doctor overflowing with answers! One thing I can say about my GP is this though, he's a nice bloke so if he's not coming up with something it's because he's not got the experience rather than because he's being difficult.

    Rare moment of lucidity this morning, better get something done before Dylan turns up.

  4. Well, I did solve this problem years ago by taking a very mild, over-the-counter, sleep inducer. It really works for me. Been doing it for years with no obvious ill affects. To be a zombie all day long, day after day, was really getting me down. Now, and for several years, sleep has no longer been a problem and I am ready to go after about 7 hours of sleep.

    Good luck, Jenny.

    Calie xxx

  5. My trip to the doc proved fruitful, he prescribed me a different drug that based on last night's experience seems to work a lot better. Pretty fog free today. Hopefully it'll see me through this bad spell, then I can try something milder if I need it.