Tomorrow, in the company of some friends I will be attending Swindon Pride. (Looks at clock) No, today in the company of some friends I will be attending Swindon Pride. This one's been on the calendar for a while, anticipated because it's a rare chance for me for an outing in the real world en femme.
So far so good. Unfortunately though it probably isn't going to happen as I've described it above, I fully intend to be there but it's looking as though I'll be there in my everyday oversized bloke guise, scruffy jeans, stubble and all. Why? It has become obvious that such a lengthy public excursion en femme in her company has edged outside my wife's comfort zone. What was previously acceptable has retreated into the dangerous as the moment of its occurrence has approached, and to avoid a difficult afternoon for both of us it's probably easiest if I just forgo the dressing and go along in bloke mode.
On one side I don't think she's fully aware what the chance to go out as girl means in terms of my needing the feminine expression to stop myself going potty, but on the other side it's obvious that this has become too much for her at the moment and I have no desire to push things. This condition has told me more than I ever needed to know about stress and depression, so why should I wish to bestow those problems upon her?
So tomorrow the chances are I'll be bloke all day. It's not all bad, as bloke I avoid all that tedious getting ready, the endless agonising about my choice of outfit, makeup or even shoes. After all, who in their right mind would want that!
I have been in drab for just over six months, so I understand. I'm mighty close to a breaking point, and if I don't find an outlet soon, I'm liable to do something regrettable.
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad I never married. How horrible to be a woman inside, and still have to be the knight in shining armor. You are made of stronger stuff than me. I just couldn't do it.
ReplyDeleteI guess I've found an outlet through openness, if I'm not in the closet even as bloke then I have people I can interact with as girl even if I don't look very girl-like. It's a bit of an ersatz, but it's better than nothing and it helps a lot.
ReplyDeleteI think my armour may be slightly tarnished :)
It's not such a black-and-white situation. I consider myself very lucky to be married to a lovely girl and more so very lucky to be married to someone who is at least prepared to put up with my being TG. It's a hell of a thing to have to put up with. So if she has the occasional about-turn then that's OK. Couples with no TG issues have these situations too, let's not forget that. "You can't play golf this weekend, we're going to Aunty May's birthday do!"
We're still going to Swindon and we're going together. That means an awful lot, and it shows what kind of girl she is. Who knows, she may even have relented by this afternoon and I'll be in girl mode after all, but if she doesn't then I'm sure we'll both still have fun.
Jenny I can so much relate to you, having the same issues with my wife. Sometimes I think it's harder on them than it is on us. At least you, like me have a wife that at least accepts the TG though not liking it. She doesn't want to give up on her 'man'.
ReplyDeleteElly
Definitely it's hard on our spouses. All we can do is our best for them.
ReplyDeleteI love your balanced perspective, and the give & take. And still ... phew. How did Saturday go?
ReplyDeleteWell, Jenny, as you so well know I just don't do the dress-up thing...well perhaps once a year and never in front of anyone other than myself. Just no desire to.
ReplyDeleteI do, however, go to many functions with my TG friends, drab, and think nothing of it. It is annoying always addressing the same old question....why don't you attend en femme?
Calie xxx
@Josie: thanks. One word? Wet. :)
ReplyDelete@Calie: It's a bit like the old chestnut: "You must go to the psychologist appointment dressed otherwise they'll never believe you're trans!".
It's my path, and since staying bloke is central to it why should it be strange if my trans friends see me more often in bloke mode?