Thursday, 16 December 2010

The wrong me

   I've just returned from my works Christmas party. Bigger than any similar event I've ever been to, they've hired one of my town's largest public venues. There's a free bar, a dancefloor and free food, a lot to be going on with and some of them will be still partying at midnight. Yet I've come away early and walked alone through the freezing cold back to the flat.
    Been flying too close to the flame again, you see. While I find the company of my female colleagues to be delightful, several hundred of them all sporting their party finest was just too much for someone fighting their girl side's efforts to escape. I couldn't drink anything because of my medication and when the DJ cranked it up to the point at which I couldn't hear conversation I admitted defeat.
    In another world, I'd have gone along in full-on Jenny mode. At my workplace I'd get away with it too. The publishing business is not known for its backward attitudes so beyond a few raised eyebrows it would be just another part of life's rich tapestry.
    But I can't do that. It would upset my wife beyond measure, and other than making my works party evening it wouldn't achieve anything. I'd be back to ever-scruffier-feeling bloke tomorrow morning and suffering a sharper-than-usual GD pit into the bargain.
    This never gets any easier, does it.


  1. Dear Jenny,

    I can totally understand, felt the same way at wife's company Xmas party. Two parties to attend this weekend, likely feel the same.

    Hang in there! Thinking of you.



  2. The inappropriate volume ruins many events!

    I spent decades in androgynous limbo where I could neither dress up as female as desired or male because of the loathing and in consequence probably ruined many evenings either by not going or leaving early because I felt so out of place.

    As for seeing girls dressed up and enjoying life...!

    Caroline xxx

  3. Jenny. There are obviously 1,000's of people in similar predicaments to yours.

    Why not get together, physically get together in one place and figure how best to deal with this? Why not have parties of our own?

  4. Now Ann has a brilliant suggestion there I think. Office parties can be a minefield to negotiate at the best of times and often people find themselves regretting some of the things they did the night before. It must have been doubly hard for you seeing all those girls whilst wishing you were just like them. You made the right decision I think, why torture yourself? Love

    Shirley Anne xxx

  5. Jenny,
    yes- that's me too. A form of torture!

  6. It's very difficult when what you want to do is two opposite things and both are equally strong.

    We need our own party.

    I've been avoiding meeting my partner's relatives at xmas partying. But if the weather doesn't provide me an excuse this year I'm going, and I'm going dressed en homme because there's no point me going if I don't feel comfortable enough to be sociable.

  7. Morning all,

    I needed to write this post as I'd just returned home and it was a good way to unload some of it. My apologies if I came across a little maudlin.

    There is no shortage of events for trans-people, especially at this time of year. And it's true, they can be lots of fun. But they're a walled garden. I guess most of you will understand the desire to just be "right" in normal life. It goes beyond the desire to dress up, fun though that may be.

  8. Jenny, that is exactly how I read it, the longing to be right in your own skin and the groaning of every molecule of your being knowing that it is being denighed.

    Caroline xxx

  9. Such party's along with other events like weddings as well as the social minefield can be torture so I totally understand.

  10. It's all right if I can settle in with a group of ladies, then I slip into girl mode without them realising it. But the trouble is at this one I didn't have quite that opportunity.

  11. Oh, Jenny....I so identify with this.

    I tend to go very femme if I drink too much. Not drag queen femme. I just start talking differently, using my hands differently, etc. It is difficult to explain but as long as I stay in control, I can continue to stay in bloke mode, which act out so well. That's why, despite my comment in your previous post, I rarely drink much in front of family or friends. I guess that leaves the heavy drinking to when I am by myself and that is very dangerous but seldom happens.

    We have a huge trans organization here. I just got the latest membership list and it is nearly 500 strong. Parties and functions galore, yet I only attend the drab functions. I really don't have that much interest in dressing and, when I do, it generally results in depression. you feel better now? There's someone out there even more screwed up than you, Jenny!

    Calie xxx

  12. Don't worry Calie, I'm pretty screwed up, you can be sure of that! :)

    I am probably a bit reckless with my stealth girl side. Because I can, really, when you look like I do you can get away with an outrageous amount because nobody would even think I might even have a girl side.

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