This afternoon saw me in full-on seven-foot girl mode at a BBQ in the back garden of a local friend. About 30 people, t-girls of various hues and several partners. My rare outings in the real world might look as though they're becoming a little less rare but the truth is this month I've just been fortunate in their timing. As you might imagine I had a brilliant time and I don't think I did too badly on the looks front. A fortuitous sale purchase of a Kaliko sleeveless top and silk skirt provided the perfect summer BBQ outfit at an extremely reasonable price so my presentation felt as good as I could make it given the canvas I have to work on.
Tonight I go to bed happy. On a girl high. Yet I know this game, after the high will come the trough. Some time tomorrow I'll be in the pit, probably staring at my monitor unable to think about the work in front of me, instead stuck in the misery of the never-to-be-feminine, the yawning chasm of ugly blokedom before me. I'll have flown too close to the flame again and my wings will be singed for a while.
You might say that I should stay at home, fettle the Rusty Old Wreck instead. Avoid the whole cycle. But then I'd never have the high, and worse, I'd slowly descend into a continuous trough. Denying yourself this expression isn't as bad as suppressing it all completely but it might as well be for the eventual effect it has. It's not as though it's simply the dressing that's important here either, I could have spent this afternoon as bloke all the way through, I'd still have had the high simply from being with people who really understand all this.
So when the trough comes tomorrow at least I'll expect it. But is there such an inevitability to it all? Will I one day learn how to stop it coming at all? I can only hope.
I'd better get to bed, hadn't I, this is in danger of descending into incoherency given the lateness of the hour.
It is strange as I read posts such as these from my one step forward.
ReplyDeleteThe never ending roller coaster of emotions affecting every day of your life seemingly never ending. Just a few years ago I was still wondering what life could be like foe a tall ugly creature as I was.
All I can say is I survived decades of that torture you are going with but eventually found my way out and it is beyond my wildest dreams even before it's completion.
Hang in there.
Caroline xxx
Hope the crash isn't as bad as you expect...
ReplyDeleteAnd when it does, just remember the good time that you had...
Stace
Damn it, I was in a maudlin mood last night, wasn't I! My apologies.
ReplyDeleteYeah, I'm hanging in there, and contrary to expectations I haven't crashed yet. Thanks for your support.
I caught the sun very slightly despite it being cloudy. Marked by the sun in a distinctly feminine silhoutte, it's fortunate I don't have to remove my t-shirt at work!
Sun is probably stronger that bit higher up. At least you have something to remind you it was not a dream.
ReplyDeleteCaroline xxx
You will come to realize that the peaks will not be as high and the troughs not so deep. The more you avail yourself to being who you are, the greater the pleasure being just who you are.
ReplyDeleteSarah
The joy and peace at being able to be yourself is so rewarding, disarming even.
ReplyDeleteI think its that, that makes the day after so daunting.
But as you are able to be true to yourself more and more, hopefully it will bring you more peace and clarity.
x
While I wish I could say there was a way to make it stop coming, sadly I cannot, and truth is you must figure out where you fit and what you can live with. I hope the "low" isn't too bad for you, I remember those days only too well, especially when everyone around you is so encouraging and complimentary, that "pink fog.." It's real... and makes the reality suck all the more. I remember leaving Fantasia Fair, a week-long event, and crying for over two solid hours in the car.
ReplyDeleteJust get out there as you are, enjoy the experience and worry about what comes afterward later. See what fits for you... nobody needs to go full-time nor is it for everyone. My apologies if I come off lecturing.. just my 0.02.
~Keri
Thanks both,
ReplyDeleteNo, the answer is to keep forging ahead, have fun in the sun where I can (except remember my sun cream). The post-girl high has hit me today as I expected, though a day late, and I should just mock it and move on.
I saw some of the pictures and must say it looked fabulous. Its a good idea to keep forgeing ahead and enjoy those highs as they come.
ReplyDeleteLucy x
Absolutely, I'll be back for more!
ReplyDeleteWould have been good to see you there!
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ReplyDeleteI would have, only found out about it the day before
ReplyDeleteYou enjoyed yourself, Jenny, and that's what counts. Whatever works, you know?
ReplyDeleteCalie xxx