What a day yesterday was. I came out to a lovely lady from Wales, and my burgeoning quest for elegant footwear for the larger girl caused me to meet another Amazon online.
You can read Renee's comment beneath "Large blooming flower indeed". There before me, a real live Amazon like me, only fully transitioned and if you'll excuse my testosterone-fueled bloke side for a minute, doesn't she look lovely!
My carefully crafted defence against the world lies in tatters at my feet for a moment.
If I'd met Renee a coupe of decades ago and I'd managed to pull myself out of the pit of self-denial that was fast becoming depression, a rash and impulsive younger version of me might have run off to the doctor and begun the rocky road to transition, Who knows, I might have made as good a job of it as she has. Or I might have diverged from luscious Amazon into twisted giantess and fallen hard.
But the me who is your scribe is different from the feckless young oik who partied away to Carter USM, PWEI and Nirvana at a Northern university. I've been through some exceedingly rough times, met the most amazing genetic woman, picked up a shiny wedding ring from her in the shadow of the Rockies and found myself as Jenny with the advantage of plenty of time in which to do it and a post-depressive's determination to have fun.
No, life's too good to rock the boat. I'm fortunate that my dysphoria is a lot more mental than physical so if I can handle the inconvenience of occasional bouts of sleeplesness (case in point: today. 2AM? That's a record even for me!) I can still resist the temptation to transition with its attendant risk of birthing a twisted giantess.
So do I tramp off dejected into the wilderness to live my life as a hermit? Hell no! I've just learned that a non-genetic girl my size can pass in spades, and if that doesn't make me one of her disciples, nothing will.
I hope one day I'll find myself on the other side of the world and this rather lumpen Bridget Jones can go out with Renee as can this slightly suspect facsimile of her Mark Darcy (Close your eyes dear, and concentrate on the accent!) . Then I think she and I will both see at first hand why "Best of both worlds" is still my preferred path through this mire.
Thanks for the kind words. I have nothing but respect for where you're coming from...I just wanted you to know that height - and by extension, other physical qualities we might not like about ourselves - are sometimes so much less important than we think. But marriage and relationships and all the rest of that...that is important. I had to deal with it too, and it's not easy, and there are no right answers (though I think there very definitely are some wrong ones).
ReplyDeleteAs far as being fully transitioned, I wouldn't go that far. Physically speaking, I still have the big operation (and perhaps a smaller one too, if I'm lucky) ahead of me...but with no real timeline in place. And emotionally speaking, I'm still prone to bouts of adolescent glee and insecurity...and if I had forgotten that recently, this past weekend served as a sharp reminder of it.
I'm loving the blog, as you can see, and look forward to getting to know you better. :-)
As far as I can see you're living the dream which is a lot more than I am so yes. You've transitioned. Don't sell yourself short :)
ReplyDeleteThanks for your appreciation of my scribblings. I just hope I can keep random thoughts tumbling from my fevered brain.
I'm always surprised when tall t-girls have such doubts about themselves, because of their height.
ReplyDeleteMy cousin a GG, is 6' 4" She was a professional ice skater, and toured all all over the world with Holiday on Ice in the 70's and 80's. She is an incredibly glamorous woman, who dated many famous people from movie stars, to musicians, to well-known sports figures.
The thing her height caused was that she got to wear the best and most glamorous costumes, because towering over the other girls, she was always in the center, so everyone's eyes were always on her.
She always was, to me, an incredible example of a beautiful woman. I don't think it has ever occurred to anyone that because of her height that maybe she used to be a man.
Often, our limitations are only in our own imagination.
I guess you have to grow up at the extreme end of differently sized to understand, at least where I'm coming from.
ReplyDeleteOTSO height, it always amuses me when Staci Lana publishes her "Famous females of height" list. Most of them aren't what I'd call tall at all!