Friday, 9 April 2010

Hair removal the redneck way

    As a follower of trans blogs I frequently read other people's hair removal stories. Permanent hair removal is sadly a topic of only peripheral interest to me, staying as I am both within my wife's comfort zone and with a day-to-day male-impersonation act to maintain. I'd love to lose my stubble as I consider it to be a major PITA, but in the main my hair control is limited to the strictly impermanent. At least I'm blessed with genes that haven't left me with too much fuzz.
    There is one semi-permanent procedure I do use though, and it's that I'd like to share with you now. It's not for the faint-hearted, but it has the multiple advantages of being very cheap, surprisingly quick, and after a moment of jumping up and down swearing, relatively painless. And you get something to eat, too. Interested? Read on!
    At this time of year my arms are starting to edge out into the light. As you might expect I'd like to show them off when en femme, yet while I can just about get away with it I'm still a bit self-conscious about their light covering of bloke-ish body hair. Time for a visit to my specialist. My baker, that is.
    One of my geekier passions for years has been clay oven construction and baking. A clay oven is simply an enclosed, usually domed, space made from fired clay or bricks in which a fire is set so the stored and reflected heat can be used to bake bread, cook kebabs, pizzas and myriad other mouthwatering delicacies.
    This weekend, if all goes well, I'll be firing up an oven. When ready its internal temperature will exceed 400 Celcius, and to use it I'll have to reach inside it as quickly as I can to place and retrieve my baking. After the ritual jumping up and down swearing, and sluicing off the singed matter with cold water, I'll then be blessed with arms as smooth and hairless as the proverbial baby's bottom. A state that will persist for a couple of months if I'm lucky, and before then I'm bound to want some more bread of some kind!
    I just have to be careful not to touch the red hot clay round the oven entrance. 400 degree burns hurt!


  1. Lisa in Raleigh9 April 2010 at 19:36

    While your approach sounds much more controlled. The first lighting of the season of a propane bar-bar-que can also have a similar effect. As one who is on the hairy side this is not just painful but a tad scary to see your arm on fire and crackling.

  2. In the hot hot summer of 76 I was picking strawberries in Herefordshire, and it was too hot to be in the fields in the afternoon so one day I went and stood in the Wye. And loads of little fish came up and nibbled the hairs on my legs. It was an interesting sensation, and you could probably get people to pay very good money for that sort of thing in houses of low repute.

    But it didn't remove the hairs. Maybe if I'd rubbed Shippams Meat Paste on my legs first...

    I like the sound of the oven. Rather fancy the idea of baking bread like that.

  3. @Lisa: 'tis true, a nice BBQ-hood full of propane-air mix would be a far more spectacular hair removal tool. Sadly as a charcoal purist I've never had the opportunity to experiment.

    @Dru: Doesn't everyone remember where they were in '76 when it first rained? I seem to remember a much younger me paddled in our local stream and was nibbled not by little fishes but by leeches. Sadly the native crayfish we had then are long gone.

    Fish paste perhaps?

  4. Sounds like an interesting way of removing hair...

    As for where I was in 76 when it first rained? Without wishing to upset anyone... Probably asleep in my cot - I wasn't around for the first 7 months of year...


  5. Real "rednecks" use duct tape :-)

  6. @Stace: At least that gives you an excuse for missing out on the Sex Pistols. I may have been at primary school but you'd think I could have tuned in to popular culture somehow!

    @Jamie: Normally I'd take such a tip from someone of your expertise very seriously indeed. However, do you mind if I pass on that one? :)

  7. What an unusualy way to get an opportunity to get rid of arm hair!
    Cant you keep them shaved and claim the heat from the ovens damaged the roots!

  8. My God, just makes so much sense. And, the absolutely perfect excuse for me to tell my wife. Where do I get one of these things, along with the recipes?

    Kinda like Dru's idea also.

    Calie xxx

  9. @Lisa: it is an unexpected bonus. I'm fortunate in that I'm not overloaded with arm hair and can just about get away without shaving, but you're right, as excuses to justify shaving go it does shave some mileage.

    @Calie: it's fantastic bloke camouflage too. It's got it all: pyromania, an excuse to drink beer and curse loudly, a mildly risky operation to use it and you can even use it to cook unhealthy food!